Judging has been a lot on my mind lately.
In a comment on a blog post I read last week, I read a comment mentioning one of the greatest lessons I’m learning as a mother. “…motherhood is a great time to learn not to judge people, because everyone has different opinions and parenting styles and judgement doesn’t do anyone any good.”
When I was pregnant, when I was a new mom, I worked so hard to do it ‘right’. I read a lot of articles and listened to advice. I stressed when I realized that some did more than me, and I kept some things quiet since some would judge.
It’s nothing new.
I have a cute, wonderful dog that is my son’s furry and loving sister.
The one who impatiently waits for me to stop clicking around online and snuggle with her.
She was bought from a store.
I spent months before combing the Petfinder listings, checking around weekends when local shelters stood in front of PetCo with cages.
The tiny litters from people trying to make a buck? Nothing I wanted.
The shelter dogs? Adorable, in need of a good home, shaky, shy, grown up and set in their ways.
I knew I was going to need a dog that would be able to live with small children, so we worked with a family friend and when she got a pair of chihuahua puppies in her shop I ran right over and fell in love with my dog.
This is a story I couldn’t share in the years taking her to the dog park, together to get ice cream, driving around on errands on a cool day.
We took her to obedience classes and I bought her cute dresses, and she gets cookies at Christmas just like everyone else.
She is my first child.
I would be complimented on her social skills and obedience and my answer was always “she was a gift” as her tail beats a rapid pulse showing her happiness making a new friend.
Did it make her a bad dog for how I acquired her?
Did it make me a bad pet owner for getting a puppy from someone I personally knew so I could train and prepare her?
I shouldn’t have to go into the whole story why I made this decision to strangers to defend my decision.
No one should have to defend their choices to strangers.
Do parents deserve to be judged for the decisions they make?
Who has it right?
I’ve judged myself enough times to cover it. And through that indecisiveness, that uncertainty I had judged other people trying to make myself feel better about my choices.
And if they knew I had made those judgements, they would have felt as bad as the first time someone asked me about my dog at the park, when I answered honestly and got lashed at for not adopting.
The last year has brought definite changes in my life.
I’ve found security in my choices as my son grows up happy, curious, loved and healthy.
I’ve taken away some of the negative influence, distanced myself from someone who spewed judgement at everyone in her life because she was unhappy herself.
I’ve tried to look at the other parents at the park, in the store and remind myself my fleeting encounters are just that, and no one could know all about me in a few minutes time.
I remind myself how much I feared being judged for my choices.
Even though some will judge me for my choices, I remind myself that through mine and my husband’s choices, my son is growing up just fine and well- loved.
That other parents love their children just as much and are choosing what they feel is right for them and their lives.
Through that growing security that I am making the right decisions, I am growing up.
So for anyone out there still judging mercilessly, for the comments on blog posts, the remarks on message boards and behind the family’s backs in Target, remember that for every finger that points at someone else three point back at you- your own.
Ask yourself when you judge what insecurities are you hiding, what judgement calls you are afraid to announce, the moments where you think you failed.
Then grow up a little more and move on, remembering the times you’d like to forget and all of the times you wish others would see instead.
Because no one needs to judge others to feel better about themselves, and no one deserves to be judged for trying to do the right thing.
I’d like to remind my readers about the Mom Pledge. I signed it way back when and the movement is still going strong, fueled by a desire to end cyber bullying against mothers.
I’m glad you found a dog to love and be part of your family, though I will always be in favor of adopting from shelters, if at all possible. And yes, I’ll be judging harshly on those who don’t have their pets spayed and neutered. I used to live next to someone who worked in a city animal shelter, and certain times of the year, an animal brought in by owners has twenty minutes to live, because you *can’t* put 100 dogs or cats in one cage. All animal lovers should do their part to reduce animal overcrowding – but some people, all proud about adopting from shelters, don’t give those animals very good homes. The dog or cat doesn’t get proper vet attention, walks/brushing, etc. So, gray areas there.
I remember being quite smug, pre-mom days, about how *I* would never be one of those mothers dragging a snot-nosed baby in a dirty shirt through the grocery store. And then the day comes and you’ve had a miserable cold and you’re out of Dayquil and OJ and you *think* your toddler’s in a clean shirt, but under those harsh fluorescent lights the stain on the shirt and the line of spaghetti sauce along the baby’s hairline shows up quite brilliantly.
I do think, though, that sometimes judging is appropriate. *Not* okay, as I have heard some parents curse at their kids, tell them they’re worthless, stupid, etc (aka the Tiger Mom approach). I agree that as parents we are too ready to judge one another harshly, “You let your child [watch TV, eat McDonald's, play video games]!” And in part, that’s to reinforce our feeling that WE are doing the right thing.
But there are some areas where it’s not really a matter of preferences or opinions. Like when kids are being physically or verbally abused.
Every dog my family has own, every cat, every horse has been found, whether from a pound, from a ‘looking for good home’ ad, from the corner where people used to dump litters of puppies in boxes.
We even took stray cats in to be fixed then released. I am SO with Bob Barker on that one.
Every one up to Daisy, that is
Great post – this is my favorite part:
“I’ve found security in my choices as my son grows up happy, curious, loved and healthy.
I’ve taken away some of the negative influence, distanced myself from someone who spewed judgement at everyone in her life because she was unhappy herself.
I’ve tried to look at the other parents at the park, in the store and remind myself my fleeting encounters are just that, and no one could know all about me in a few minutes time.”
Thank you! it’s a hard process for me, someone who wants approval everywhere. But I am seriously growing up because of it.
Great post. I think to each’s own. I’m so tired of people judging others. I personally have adopted all of my dogs from shelters or rescue groups. It’s what I do and what worked for my family. It might not work for others and that’s A ok. All I care is that there are dogs being taken care of by responsible pet owners:) That’s all!
Amen. No matter how you get the dog, it’s how you care for it!
great post! and as an adoptive parent, if you think people harshly judge from where you adopt your dog, i’m sure you can only imagine the things that have been said to me about having adopted our daughter…..SMH
When I think adoption, I think of that line from Mommie Dearest where they say ad adopted child is more loved because they were chosen. My husband certainly got more love from his current family than his childhood one.
The sooner we stop judging, the more enriched our lives will truly become just by accepting one another, differences and all.
While we got our terrier from an animal rescue place, and our dog that preceded him from a pound, that’s our choice. So you chose to buy your pet, that’s your choice, no biggie. At least you know she wasn’t the result of a puppy mill. Happy pets and happy families are really what it’s all about, the rest is just icing.
What an adorable little dog! I feel the same way – I am so worried that if my dog is not wearing perfume and a gucci outfit that some might think I am not giving her the proper attention.
My dog would kill for Gucci. She gets, like PetCo clothes
Nice piece! Your little doggy is luck to have you! No judgement here!
XO
what a cute doggie. love the post but my boy chihuahua would like a date for valentine day
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OMG!!!!! You are my dog soul mate!!!! Our HAVANEESE was purchased a year prior to having my first child! Yep, for years I have ducked my head and carefully admitted to those who would not stone me that he was bought at the same pet shop paris hilton and brittany spears bought theirs. I know I don’t have to defend myself but when I reached out to private breeders they would not work with me because I lived in a condo. I was MORTIFIED when a year after having him the pet shop was attacked on the news for getting dogs from a puppy mill in Arkansas. Well it is 6 years later and no matter what anyone says I have the love of my life and my best friend in my forever puppy. He is 9.5 lbs has an expensive first travel bag… has been to Nantucket, Tahoe, New York, Vegas, The Ritz etc… He has sweatshirts for when it is cold, a Halloween Costume (ok a cape)and boots for the snow. My kids 3 and 4 think he is their best friend …He suggles with me all night and my husband who never had a dog got to name him after his favorite Mets Player…. P.s. I had a c-section twice and breast feeding didn’t work… I am a truly coffee talk!
Sounds like a well-loved family member!
Wow, the same store? Yeah, you win on that one.
And I wish I could take mine everywhere- I’m jealous! It’s so much work with a small child and hiking my dog out to find some grass for the potty (she’s yard-trained).
i love your post! we moms, do our best and we’re not perfect, we try harder to be the perfect mom than anything else.
Thank you!
Women tend to be the harshest critics readily pouring forth judgment at the slightest nuisance. I truly believe that we must support each other, particularly when it comes to parenting. In most instances, a mother knows her child the best and does what she feels is best given the circumstances and resources available to her. I’m so glad you signed the Mom Pledge. I should go sign it too b/c I truly believe in ending cyberbullying among women.
Fabulous piece! Great insight and wisdom. Thanks for sharing.
Love this post! (Was on vacation w/no internet access, so I’m a little late in commenting.) This embodies the spirit of The Mom Pledge. Thank you so much for being part of our community and helping spread our message!
Awesome post. It always boggles my mind when someone takes such an elitist attitude towards others. Why? What a waste of energy. As I get older I realize it’s what you said, these folks are pacifying their own insecurities.
Adorable puppy, by the way.
The world would be a better place if people judged less or not at all. I’m with you on this!
Awesome post! And yes, motherhood helps you realize all sorts of things, success, failures, laughter, tears, disappointments.. and well the list could go on and on. But we are all just trying our best and that is what matters.
and why would people judge you so harshly on how you got your dog?? That just seems stupid.
People who are strong advocates of adopting are usually pretty passionate.
It really is just like parenting- some people are very passionate about certain topics, like breastfeeding.
I especially like what you wrote about distancing yourself from someone who was very judgemental because of her own unhappiness and fears. I recently worked with someone who was like that and it’s amazing how much a person living in judgement can affect the entire atmosphere. She has left our office and it’s like the sun has come out. Negative people have strong power and it’s a very good idea to step away from that. The whole post was lovely – thank you.
Thank you! And I’m glad your office has changed and is a sunner place
[...] quick about being honest the first time and practically being drummed out of the park. I hated being judged as a dog owner even though I had a well mannered and well taken care of [...]