I felt bad dumping and leaving everything here and running off on vacation last week.
It seemed no matter what, I couldn’t get it all done, I couldn’t make it through the day without several caffeine doses.
I needed a break. Badly.
And I feel bad for saying that.
Like I really needed a break.
I have it so much easier than some.
Like the working mom with four kids.
I only have one child and he really is a good, obedient kid.
Like the divorcing mom who is a single mother most of the week and is trying to run a home business on the side.
My husband comes home every night and shares the duties.
Like the one who is deluged from work due to county budget cuts and her only weekend fully off from being on call is the one her husband’s out of state.
I don’t work.
I’m friends with every one of these moms.
I have it easy.
I am so blessed to have a strong partner in parenting.
Heck, he comes home from a day of work and I, frazzled, sometimes dump it on him and walk away. And he doesn’t complain.
I am the one snapping and frustrated and he is always calm. He is my inspiration in the parenting department. Except maybe, for his quickness for handing over a cartoon to keep the peace.
I inherited my inability to handle stress. It’s definitely gotten worse since I had a child.
Isn’t it supposed to be better?
Mom- the one who always comes through, gets everything done?
So not me.
I miss things, run late… I am not all I could be and I know it is myself holding me back.
That is my toughest battle.
To see what all I do and not dwell on what I did not do.
To not cry all over again because I stressed and burst into tears at a horrible moment.
To not dwell on the past, but look at the future.
Part of vacation was me just stopping everything and coming back calmer, less frazzled. Hopefully.
My non-frazzlement lasted until 5 p.m. this afternoon.
Tonight, the kitchen is finally clean but many emails are still unwritten, bills are piling up and I cried at Lowe’s out of frustration. And I wasn’t even the one trying to figure out what we needed.
It’s really hard for me to be the center of the world- I’m not naturally organized and I now have the attention span of a butterfly.
So I try. I write lists, I add things to my calender, I have apps for this and that.
It’s better, but still, as the world spins I feel I am barely holding on some days.
And it could be so much harder.
I have it easy.
So why doesn’t it feel that way?