Ever since Christmas I have been thinking about this year, bringing back that word I picked out the first few days of 2012- focus.
It’s a post I’ve linked back to several times, and an idea I’ve come back to time and time again, even though over the year the intent of my focus has changed.
I determined that whatever I was doing I would focus on it, not just run helter-skelter through my list haphazardly, trying to get everything done, ever getting everything all of the way done.
So whatever I was doing at the time got my full attention, other things getting pushed father back.
All of my deep thoughts happen by the ocean, remember?
A year later, I sit in an even messier office, the fridge is full of vegetables and carrot juice, my son is sleeping in this morning, and I am peaceful.
This year has been both a speedy race up a hill with strong tailwind and a slow coast down the same hill, stopping to eat a snack and talk with loved ones and not quite peeking out at the scenery going by.
When I was young I did a bike race with my dad on a local mountain. We finished, which was the only goal. I remember coasting down, having to hold onto the brakes from going too fast, yet wanting to just let go and coast freely, enjoying the breeze.
I think of that as my blogging life this year. I was full of inspiration, signing on early for the SITS Bloggy Boot Camp in Las Vegas, considering high reaches for SoCal Lady Bloggers, and considering that I too could make higher reaches for my blog, making a little money like everyone said was possible and my writing was worth it, dammit.
Well, over the year, my focus has gone from the spread of items I wanted to give attention to, back over and over to home and family.
Slowing down and going to the park, solo trips to Disneyland and the museum, taking a lap at target just because someone asked me to (I only spent $7 that trip- that is a record!)
I realized that after my two conference trips this year, I wanted to keep my blog mine and not reach for myself as a ‘brand’ a ‘presence’ that I wanted it to just be for me again.
My blogging became a bit more sporadic, not from words that would not come but from a temperamental computer, trips to Nana’s, playdate, cooking and morning sickness.
And I decided I was fine with that. I missed it, I missed out, I coasted down the hill without even noticing the scenery fading from view.
No matter if I worked at it or not, I realized I was getting the same amount of attention- the same lovely few that come back to read me over and over, thank you for that.
I started to feel a burnout of trying to be competitive as I saw through the overall veil of friendliness and support that comes from the blogging community and saw that part of my path was being blocked from selfishness and vindictiveness.
Well, fine, I won’t even try that route. I wanted it, but not enough to battle.
One of my biggest supporters was lost to me this year too- the one who was always around at my first blogging conference, the one that hung with artists and got a hand-drawn Red and Stimpy on a napkin from the artist, the one who started disappearing before I could tell there was something wrong.
Other great things happened this year too.
I started writing music reviews here, and love it- my son regularly jams to age-appropriate music here at home and in our concert hall, aka my car, and it’s music that I can not only live with but catch myself humming once in a while.
My son started preschool, and with that a whole new world has opened up- of superheroes, new songs to sing, girlfriends, and hearing his joyous call as his friends point out my car coming through the drive, his face grubby and beaming.
We visited a couple new places, and had many adventures, since he is just old enough to really start trying out the world on his own terms instead of in a stroller.
This year was definitely a year of growth- coming into myself as a person, wtfhing my son go from a baby to a boy, changes in what I focused on, and having a couple opportunites I didn’t think would ever come to me.
So goodbye, 2012… I won’t see you next year, as I will everyone else.