The inhale before motion

I feel stuck in the middle of an identity shift, and I’m not sure where I am heading.

It’s been hard to keep studying what I wanted to when your husband is working two jobs and gone six out of seven days a week, and all day I feel like I’m running uphill trying to get the house organized again and cook good food, since I’m actually home for the first time in a year.

I came out of my college experience knowing I had to continue to focus on myself, not just remembering to drink water but focusing on me, what I want, getting some good lotion and getting my hair done.

It’s sunny outside today. It’s that moment where it’s starting to get too hot for jeans again, and I am considering trying on all my skirts in an effort to cull any out of the herd I will not be wearing so I can have an excuse to sew more or something.

I was hoping to get to shop for office clothes this season – I even tried on a pair of Nine West low heels that would have been perfect – but I have no where to wear them.

So my little corner of office-ready clothes still stands – a mix of grey and yellow and black and pattern, waiting.

I save most of my work for the evenings, trying to not stretch myself thin during the day so I can stay up, but my meds require eight hours of sleep at least. What a shift, to have to sleep instead of letting it be an option.

The last two days I have had offers of more hours and more volunteer work handed to me, which I know is a sign. I need to accept it and move forward, but I want to know to what end, and how soon.

Climbing slowly up the ladder has been dragging on me – I feel the fatigue.

I’m waiting for my newest incarnation of myself to suddenly appear, like how, overnight, my youngest is finally acting like a little boy instead of a little toddler. I have picture of it in my mind, conflicting – saving the world in front of a computer, running around with flowers in my hair exclaiming peace and love.

Instead of pulling the petals off my old identity’s garden and waiting, hopefully my already-planted seeds are sprouting and ready to surface.