Putting it in the universe
I loaded on the eyeliner Last Friday.
Anything I could do to look pulled together for an 11-hour day at school. A day where I refused to drink anything but a morning coffee and water in an effort to detox from the last few weeks of energy drinks to keep me going.
In that five minutes of struggling with a glittery black ELF pencil I also stopped one fight and planned lunch, which I promptly forgot on the counter.
I’d hit my limit and was crashing.
But it was for the best.
You see, I’d had all I could take and I walked away from my job.
You know, the minimum wage one I took back when (oh yeah, deleted part of my blog…) but anyway, it was a Band-Aid on a much bigger problem, and one I was better equipped to fix.
I have been getting a lot of respect lately over how much I had been doing. Not only a job, but two, and two college classes and small children?
Wow, you have your hands full, they’d say.
Or you’re amazing.
But they didn’t see what I was really like,
Stretched doesn’t even cover it.
I had felt like a threadbare patch on a pair of jeans, holding on, barely covering the basics, one slip away from disaster.
And I was starting to see my stress in other places. I got behind on my schoolwork, constantly snapped my family, and forced a smile.
I was miserable.
My buddy Xenia from Raised by Culture has been sharing her goals and supporting others by telling them to #putitintheuniverse.
I had put it out I wanted a new job by summer, way back in February.
I tried my best in school, got bogged down by responsibilities and let stress take over my life. Not telling what it was like because so many were cheering me on.
trying to put the negativity behind me like the shoes I left outside the door after every shift. The exhaustion of not only doing a lot of physical work, but being brought down by negativity and stress.
I had a professor support me in trying for a job at a local business that happens to be a leader in the technology I’m learning (I had decided to study not only because it interested me and I knew I could tie in the journalism strengths but also it was a large, growing, strong company I could have a long-term future for).
I missed the deadline due to my crazy schedule and didn’t get to apply to exactly the job I had been hoping for.
So I cried, and stressed, and blamed myself… and thought. About what was most important, and what got my attention, was influencing my life.
What dictated my day to day.
What SHOULD dictate my day to day, and what relationships I wasn’t taking care of right.
And I gave notice to leave my day job before Easter.
I had barely been blogging, been barely able to do my homework. The work I did enjoy with Su was squished in between other demands on time.
Barely saw the boys – I started taking the baby to story time for guaranteed him and momma time.
I worked when Eric was home I had dinner with my family once or twice a week.
The reminders of ‘It’s temporary” were wearing thin on my emotions.
I grumped and judged and was miserable and out of touch emotionally and physically.
I couldn’t make plans since my work put out the schedule the Friday before the next work week.
I chugged energy drinks to make it through the day then was up part of the night tossing between caffeine-fueled sleeplessness and anxiety.
After that last day, I tossed my apron in the cleaning bin, put my nametag on my boss’ desk and clocked out.
Then promptly almost threw up from anxiety.
Sure, we had enough for a bit, but even though it made me miserable that job helped keep my family going financially.
I am taking a risk, hoping to get a better job.
No, let me rephrase that.
You know that scene from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, where he takes a leap of faith? I am putting it out into the universe… look at what I’m willing to do to make that change.
How ready I am for that responsibility.
I am looking for my own Holy Grail that will change my destiny.
And until then, I am going to clean all the things and finally have time to play Legos with my eldest after months of shutting him down so I could do dishes or homework. And go to storytime and have time to play with the other toddlers in the grass afterwards.
I am going to have time to work on the project with my school that is getting me the bonus karma I need to achieve better things.
And work on an amazing portfolio of the work I have been putting out, and the even better work still unfinished.
To map out, perhaps, the rest of the story.
Just a couple, few weeks to set my path right again and give myself time to make a positive change.
To find a job I am willing to be away from my family from, one that can make the boys proud as they get older, and one that contribute to the college fund,
And, of course, find time to blog.
Have you missed me?
April 7, 2015 @ 9:51 am
You are amazing. I have been following along on this journey of yours and just so you know, I admire your strength. Your kids might not understand now, and the mom guilt is heavy, but one day your kiddos will see you for the strong mama you are.
April 7, 2015 @ 10:15 am
I am a firm believer in “putting it out there” and I know from experience that when things seem bleak there is always a reason for it. I’ve missed job opps and then gotten way much better ones. I’ve been there… in the pit of despair and it isn’t pretty… but it has made me appreciate what I have so much more. You are a fabulous writer and a mother and wife and daughter and friend and you will find the right path… because you deserve it… and because you’ve put it out there.
April 7, 2015 @ 10:03 pm
GOOD FOR YOU! Not everyone would be so brave. Too often we accept the love we *think* we deserve — well, we usually deserve so much MORE. in 2014, I constantly whispered to myself “this is the year of positive change” and it was! I totally believe in putting it out there. You will get it back ten fold.