To hide it

Right before my youngest was born, my mom and I took a not-so-leisurely trip around the mall, getting Wonder Boy’s hair cut and wandering as much as my giant belly could take it.

We stopped in Bare Minerals for the heck of it, and she ended up buying me some makeup, since after baby was born, I was going to need it apparently.

Fake it to make it, right?

A fresh pink blush to bring life to pale cheeks, some powder to help me feel fresh, and concealer.

You know, to hide those bags that just don’t go away after you become a mom.

A few weeks ago, I stepped into Target for a few things for mom. A pair of headphones, so she could listen to music and tune out the beeps and worried noises of the world. A magazine, to help time fly by. Her favorite, a Winnie the Pooh Tsum Tsum lip balm, because the hospital air was dry and she wasn’t allowed water yet.

Snacks to nibble on while she was sleeping, since she couldn’t eat.

And for me, I stepped into the makeup section and grabbed an ELF concealer to hide what was already showing on my face.

To hide my grief when the hospital greeter asked how I was doing to day. Because the one time I answered honestly, I made one cry.

To hide my fear when she didn’t answer that one time, and all of our stomachs dropped so loud it could be heard out into the hall full of nurses and doctors.

To hide the pain when, even as she could barely tell her name, she heard my voice and said, “Don’t worry, I’m here, you’re safe,” as she slowly kept fading.

To hide the exhaustion, that I slept 7 hours in three days and haven’t felt rested ever since then.

To hide the guilt I feel, that I wasn’t there when she left.

To hide my tears as I sent my eldest off to school not knowing so he could have a few hours of joy with friends.

Nothing hides the fact to me that my mom is gone.

A note- I’ve been absent the last few weeks as I lost my mom to ovarian cancer.